Fate is sealed

Lips are sealed

Neighbourhood is sealed

Shops are sealed

Evidence is sealed

Borders are sealed

Food is sealed

Fate is sealed

But hope remains

Lockdown pains and dreams

One month and I am done

I want my freedom and some fun

The deadly virus and deadlier lockdown

I simply can’t face it down

O God give me the strength

To keep everyone at an arm’s length

Social distancing is tough

Sure enough, enough is enough

I want to go and hug my friends

Go for films and some other odds and ends

Kiss a lost puppy

And drag along hubby

Catch up on some healthy snacks

Golgappas, tikkis, and chaats

I dream of a meal in a fancy restaurant

Spared of the pain of the migrant

I yearn for freedom from this confinement

For freedom Sen said is development

We need a Corona Devi

We desperately need a Corona Devi. In this age of specialisation and division of labour (courtesy Salman Rushdie), it is unfair that we burden our existing Gods and Goddesses who have too many projects at hand, with the task of getting rid of corona virus. Seetla Mai helped us get rid of small pox. Similarly, we need a Corona Devi. Without a separate devi, there is a lot of confusion amongst existing devi-devtas as to who should take responsibility over the corona pandemic. Currently Gods are simply passing the buck to each other. Our diyas, crackers, utensil beating is useless as of now.

Corona Devi ki Jai!

Who is an Urban Sanghi?

We all know who the ‘urban naxals are’. They are the ‘sickular’ ‘libtard’ ‘commies’ who are ‘anti-national’ enough to be concerned about the rights of women, muslims, dalits, homosexuals etc. Most of them have wasted precious time studying social sciences in educational institutions like the Jawaharlal Nehru University instead of joining the prestigious whatsapp university. Many of us have made vain attempts to counter the barrage of insults by trying to remind our brothers and sisters of something called the constitution of India which guarantees justice, liberty and equality to all its citizens. Some of us, believers at heart, (though regarded as godless ‘commies’ out to destroy hindus) have requested them to spare a thought for the God which created us all and whether he/she would approve of such violence (both verbal and physical) against fellow beings. But there comes a time when ‘the monster’ overpowers Dr Frankenstein.

Enough of ranting. This post is about returning the favour. Some theorising about the urban sanghis who have made me shiver at the news of a family dinner and have left no stone unturned in trying re-educate me through whatsapp and facebook. If only they didn’t keep in touch! My life would be so much more peaceful. But ‘revenge is sweet’ I have learnt from them. So, time for a bio-sketch of a perfect ‘urban sanghi’. Who qualifies as an Urban Sanghi? These are not the countless poor people deprived of a good education and living in poverty and hardship. An ‘urban sanghi’ is typically an engineer or an MBA working ‘very hard’ to pay for branded clothes and EMIs of a big house and car. The ‘urban sanghi’ often laments about the sorry state of affairs in India. He/she also has a plan through which India can become just like the United States in only five years (Oh no. five year plans again…these leftists deserve the hatred they get… They have made in roads even in the sanghi minds). While dining in expensive restaurants, they argue that if only everyone in India could work as hard as they do, India would become a developed country like the US in just five years. The maid who is serving food and has cooked the sumptuous dinner painfully looks on as they yell at her for being too stupid and not knowing how to serve properly.

MOST IMPORTANT. The ‘urban sanghi’ has done their parents proud by becoming an ENGINEER and doing an MBA after that. Beware of such proud parents. They are simply dangerous. Avoid them. Run when you see them approaching. No small talk. No ‘hello aunty’ or ‘hello uncle’ or basic courtesies for them. They simply don’t deserve it. They exist only to humiliate others and especially other parents whose children are not engineers or not settled abroad or don’t possess a car or have not booked a flat already. They had children only to be able to insult other people whose children aren’t as rich. No other reason behind the deed. The Bengali ‘urban sanghi’ (decades of communist party’s rule had to give some space to dissent of another kind) also won a prize in a solo singing competition in school as a child. Generally, Bengalis are more dangerous than others and no you can’t do anything about them or their prodigious children. So just ‘bhag Milkha bhag’ when you see them approaching.

As a I said, the ‘urban sanghi’ works very hard and rarely has the time to read serious analysis on either national security, poverty, unemployment, GDP growth statistics, Indian politics, Hinduism, Islam or the caste system. Years of hard work to improve ‘quant skills’ (‘quant skills’ not math) have also seriously impaired the ability to comprehend anything beyond two lines written in poor English. Whatsapp university and thunderous TV anchors come in handy. A not so dear aunt, a hardened ‘urban sanghi’, whose dear uncle was a notorious nobody in the communist party of Bengal and had distinguished himself as a local goon, once gave me a lesson on nationalism. Now in Delhi, as an engineer, the lady had all the right to be an ‘urban sanghi’ and forget the inglorious path of revolution her beloved uncle had never trodden. It was a lesson I never forgot (just as she had intended!). My parents have never understood my love for them. They never will. So, I should have beaten her up. But desire to be appreciated by one’s parents is so strong that I allowed her to go on. Even the kalakand that she served did not make the lesson any sweeter. “My brain has been brainwashed in JNU by the communists”, she roared. She had seen a photo of young Kanhaiya (the seditious one not the seductive one with a flute) receiving a prize from AB Bardhan. “That’s how he picked up anti-national ideas and went on organise anti-national events in JNU”, she reasoned. Just how?? Given that she was raised by a man who was an ardent supporter of the communists how could she manage not becoming Mao Zedong 2.0? Then I understood how she must have scored full marks in the reasoning section of the engineering entrance exam. Her mother, needless to say has given her daughter A plus. She is an engineer, owns a flat in Delhi and two in Kolkata.

Then there is the younger lot. The younger lot also works very hard in investment banks, KPOs or consultancies. The pride that this lot takes in working for places which have slightly better conditions that the 20^th century workhouses of England is praiseworthy. If only everyone could work as hard as they did, India would be a better place. “But most of the people in India (barring researchers like me) actually work very hard. They are still poor guys. The problem is more complex”, I tried to explain. And the pack of loyal ‘urban sanghis’ attacked me like a pack of lions, “you experts are too bothered about data and research. Your data is bullshit (but the world bank data on ease of doing business is perfect). You have spoilt the country. Your research is of no value”, yelled all of them together. One of them had a five-year plan (again..) for poverty eradication. All subsidies and government schemes should be eliminated. But the subsidy on petrol to run their cars off course must go on so that they can pollute comfortably. Freebies spoil work culture. All schemes like NREGS should be stopped. People should be made to work for a living. Wait a minute. Doesn’t NREGS try to ensure employment for 100 days? But an ‘urban sanghi’ never engages with any issue. He/she operates with an extreme hatred towards the poor and marginalised. Their dream of India as a developed country is basically exclusionary. There is absolutely no concern about the rights of the poor and the marginalised. Most of them are naïve techno-solutionists. And off course, they boil with rage at the mention of the ‘M’ word. Muslims are their main enemy who are responsible for most of the ills of the country. They are the ones who are behind all rapes and murders in this country. The Muslim rulers brought in all the social ills in India. Wait a minute, did the Muslim rulers create caste system? Or sati? Or Dowry? Shut up you urban naxal. You must be sent to Pakistan!

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