We
all know who the ‘urban naxals are’. They are the ‘sickular’ ‘libtard’
‘commies’ who are ‘anti-national’ enough to be concerned about the rights of
women, muslims, dalits, homosexuals etc. Most of them have wasted precious time
studying social sciences in educational institutions like the Jawaharlal Nehru
University instead of joining the prestigious whatsapp university. Many of us
have made vain attempts to counter the barrage of insults by trying to remind
our brothers and sisters of something called the constitution of India which
guarantees justice, liberty and equality to all its citizens. Some of us, believers
at heart, (though regarded as godless ‘commies’ out to destroy hindus) have
requested them to spare a thought for the God which created us all and whether
he/she would approve of such violence (both verbal and physical) against fellow
beings. But there comes a time when ‘the monster’ overpowers Dr Frankenstein.
Enough
of ranting. This post is about returning the favour. Some theorising about the
urban sanghis who have made me shiver at the news of a family dinner and have
left no stone unturned in trying re-educate me through whatsapp and facebook. If
only they didn’t keep in touch! My life would be so much more peaceful. But
‘revenge is sweet’ I have learnt from them. So, time for a bio-sketch of a
perfect ‘urban sanghi’. Who qualifies as an Urban Sanghi? These are not the
countless poor people deprived of a good education and living in poverty and
hardship. An ‘urban sanghi’ is typically an engineer or an MBA working ‘very
hard’ to pay for branded clothes and EMIs of a big house and car. The ‘urban
sanghi’ often laments about the sorry state of affairs in India. He/she also
has a plan through which India can become just like the United States in only
five years (Oh no. five year plans again…these leftists deserve the hatred they
get… They have made in roads even in the sanghi minds). While dining in expensive
restaurants, they argue that if only everyone in India could work as hard as
they do, India would become a developed country like the US in just five years.
The maid who is serving food and has cooked the sumptuous dinner painfully
looks on as they yell at her for being too stupid and not knowing how to serve
properly.
MOST
IMPORTANT. The ‘urban sanghi’ has done their parents proud by becoming an
ENGINEER and doing an MBA after that. Beware of such proud parents. They are
simply dangerous. Avoid them. Run when you see them approaching. No small talk.
No ‘hello aunty’ or ‘hello uncle’ or basic courtesies for them. They simply
don’t deserve it. They exist only to humiliate others and especially other
parents whose children are not engineers or not settled abroad or don’t possess
a car or have not booked a flat already. They had children only to be able to
insult other people whose children aren’t as rich. No other reason behind the
deed. The Bengali ‘urban sanghi’ (decades of communist party’s rule had to give
some space to dissent of another kind) also won a prize in a solo singing competition
in school as a child. Generally, Bengalis are more dangerous than others and no
you can’t do anything about them or their prodigious children. So just ‘bhag Milkha
bhag’ when you see them approaching.
As
a I said, the ‘urban sanghi’ works very hard and rarely has the time to read
serious analysis on either national security, poverty, unemployment, GDP growth
statistics, Indian politics, Hinduism, Islam or the caste system. Years of hard
work to improve ‘quant skills’ (‘quant skills’ not math) have also seriously
impaired the ability to comprehend anything beyond two lines written in poor
English. Whatsapp university and thunderous TV anchors come in handy. A not so
dear aunt, a hardened ‘urban sanghi’, whose dear uncle was a notorious nobody
in the communist party of Bengal and had distinguished himself as a local goon,
once gave me a lesson on nationalism. Now in Delhi, as an engineer, the lady
had all the right to be an ‘urban sanghi’ and forget the inglorious path of revolution
her beloved uncle had never trodden. It was a lesson I never forgot (just as
she had intended!). My parents have never understood my love for them. They
never will. So, I should have beaten her up. But desire to be appreciated by
one’s parents is so strong that I allowed her to go on. Even the kalakand that she served did not make
the lesson any sweeter. “My brain has been brainwashed in JNU by the
communists”, she roared. She had seen a photo of young Kanhaiya (the seditious
one not the seductive one with a flute) receiving a prize from AB Bardhan.
“That’s how he picked up anti-national ideas and went on organise anti-national
events in JNU”, she reasoned. Just how?? Given that she was raised by a man who
was an ardent supporter of the communists how could she manage not becoming Mao
Zedong 2.0? Then I understood how she must have scored full marks in the
reasoning section of the engineering entrance exam. Her mother, needless to say
has given her daughter A plus. She is an engineer, owns a flat in Delhi and two
in Kolkata.
Then
there is the younger lot. The younger lot also works very hard in investment
banks, KPOs or consultancies. The pride that this lot takes in working for
places which have slightly better conditions that the 20th century
workhouses of England is praiseworthy. If only everyone could work as hard as
they did, India would be a better place. “But most of the people in India
(barring researchers like me) actually work very hard. They are still poor
guys. The problem is more complex”, I tried to explain. And the pack of loyal
‘urban sanghis’ attacked me like a pack of lions, “you experts are too bothered
about data and research. Your data is bullshit (but the world bank data on ease
of doing business is perfect). You have spoilt the country. Your research is of
no value”, yelled all of them together. One of them had a five-year plan (again..)
for poverty eradication. All subsidies and government schemes should be
eliminated. But the subsidy on petrol to run their cars off course must go on
so that they can pollute comfortably. Freebies spoil work culture. All schemes
like NREGS should be stopped. People should be made to work for a living. Wait
a minute. Doesn’t NREGS try to ensure employment for 100 days? But an ‘urban sanghi’
never engages with any issue. He/she operates with an extreme hatred towards
the poor and marginalised. Their dream of India as a developed country is
basically exclusionary. There is absolutely no concern about the rights of the
poor and the marginalised. Most of them are naïve techno-solutionists. And off
course, they boil with rage at the mention of the ‘M’ word. Muslims are their
main enemy who are responsible for most of the ills of the country. They are
the ones who are behind all rapes and murders in this country. The Muslim
rulers brought in all the social ills in India. Wait a minute, did the Muslim
rulers create caste system? Or sati? Or Dowry? Shut up you urban naxal. You must
be sent to Pakistan!
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